


Life

by Laniskz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sad Jisung, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23965741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laniskz/pseuds/Laniskz
Summary: Jisung was tired of the struggle that was life
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 3
Kudos: 68





	Life

**Author's Note:**

> please make sure you've read the tags!!!

Everything was crumbling. He couldn’t breathe. Why was living so fucking hard? What possessed the world to decide that people had to work ridiculous amounts to be able to survive. Why couldn’t things be easier?

It was no secret that Jisung suffered from anxiety. But what most didn’t know he suffered from, was the deep, deep desire to not be alive anymore. Jisung was depressed, but he was very good at hiding it. Sure, there were moments in time when he had his super down moments where he couldn’t hide it, but didn’t everyone? So no one ever thought about looking deeper into his sadness. Until one did. 

Lee Minho was observant, that everyone knew. Jisung didn’t know why he thought he could hide such a huge part of him from someone he considered himself closest to. But jisung wouldn't tell him the full truth. Instead, he told him that yea he was depressed, but it really wasn't that bad. That he had things under control and breakdowns were a normal thing. Even to the rest of the boys. 

Of course jisung didn't tell minho that every day, every hour, every minute, he was fighting a losing war inside his head. Everything was too much. Why was there so much pressure on just living? And being in the spotlight didn’t make it easier. On top of the pressure of life, Jisung was stuck with the pressure of performance. He had to look perfect, had to perform perfect, he had to be perfect, in every sense of the word. 

To most people, jisung was all those things. An attractive male, amazing performer, and such a kind hearted person. But to himself, Jisung was none of those things. He was a shy, anxious, depressed boy who saw no worth in himself. Jisung hated himself more than almost anything on this planet. He hated being alive. 

Whenever Minho noticed Jisung was feeling down, the male made an effort to cheer him up, and Jisung really appreciated it. He really appreciated minho. But, it also brought on more problems for himself. Jisung had grown up being told that liking boys was wrong. So terribly wrong and that it would never be accepted in his family, or country even. So when he noticed the feelings blooming in his chest whenever minho was around, he shut down.

Jisung had one of the biggest breakdowns he's had yet, all because he realised he was falling in love with a boy. It was wrong. So wrong for him to love a boy, because that's what everyone had told him. He didn’t know any different. It just added onto all the reasons why he hated himself. And it was getting to a list far too long for him to memorise. 

But Jisung’s breaking point was something he never would have imagined. It came from Minho's own mouth, words spoken like a knife tinted with poison, stabbed into his chest, the poison running through his blood stream and shutting his body down slowly, until he was left numb. 

The interviewer had mentioned how close minsung were, and asked if there was anything more. But Minho's response had torn Jisung to shreds. “Ew no! Why would I ever like him like that? That’s gross!” And Minho had said it with a laugh, but to Jisung, there was no humour in it. To jisung, his entire being had just had the life crushed out of him. He felt sick, but he had to smile along and laugh it off, hoping the interviewers hadn’t noticed how out of it he seemed. 

And no one did notice, not even the rest of the members, because they had laughed too. Jisung felt so secluded from the rest of the group, like he was a whole world away, despite sitting mere inches away. 

After that day, Jisung became more closed off. Even Minho couldn’t make him smile anymore, and no one knew what was wrong. But Jisung was just counting down the days now. He had broken beyond repair, and he didn’t think he could get up from this. 

\------

About 17 days after that one interview, Jisung found himself standing upon a roof of a tall building, wind whipping through his hair as he stared out at the city. He wasn’t crying, because over the last couple of weeks he’d cried too much. He’d lost all feelings in his heart and body. He just couldn’t do it anymore. Too much pain had taken a hold of his heart, and he wanted it gone. He’d had enough. 

He was wondering if any of the boys had realised he was gone yet. Wondered if they’d found the letter he’d left on the bench of the dorm for them. He wondered if they were frantically looking for him before it was too late. But, I guess it was, wasn’t it? They couldn’t find him here. He knew they wouldn’t. He just hoped they would be okay without him. 

Jisung looked down at the street below him, no barriers to stop him from falling, crashing his way to the ground as gravity demands. The people looked so small from this high, looked so peaceful. The height didnt even scare him at this moment. Jisung had accepted that this was it. 

He smiled softly as he looked at the ground once more, making sure there was no one below him, he didn’t want to be the reason someone else died on this day too. One person was enough. 

Funny enough, the last thing he thought of as he stepped off the edge of the tall building, was Minho. As he fell, eyes closed, he wondered if minho really meant those things he said. But he guessed he would never find out. It was too late now, for everything went black. 

\------

_ Dear my fellow stray kids, _

_ I just want to say thank you for such an amazing journey. You guys have been my strength for so long, but it just became far too much. Living isn’t easy, and being an idol is even harder.  _

_ I hope you guys won’t be too sad, I’ll finally be happy! I know you’re all strong, far stronger than I am, and I know you’ll be okay. I’m going to miss you, I know I will.  _

_ You guys are my family, and you always will be. Please don’t forget about me? Keep making music, and keep being happy for me yea? I’ll be watching over you all. _

_ I love you all so much, please don’t ever forget that. Thank you for everything. _

_ Your loving squirrel, _

_ Han Jisung _

_ ♡︎ _

**Author's Note:**

> hi all!
> 
> this was just something i wrote when i was feeling really down, so its super short, sorry about that!


End file.
